When my egg cracked, I did not even knew what it meant. It wasn’t until many months later that I understood the term. Most people do not understand the term and it is OK, most people do not need to understand. When I say that my egg cracked, it is me simply stating that I was no longer going to live in a state of denial but rather admit that I am transgender. Busting out of my shell to use a metaphor.
The title of this chapter is called Partial Egg Crack and for a good reason. If you have ever seen a chick get out of an egg, you will know that they do not escape with one peck. The chick must chip away at the shell until it can finally break free. I experienced something similar when I came out as transgender. I had to chip away until I could present my true self. This experience does come with some risks. If a person in crisis is pushed too hard, or criticized or even questioned they may stop trying to break free of their egg but instead, wrap themselves into what is familiar to them. They may harden their views on a variety of subject including LGBTQIA+ rights or become socially distant. In the community we will use a term called the Prime Egg Directive. The Prime Egg Directive is taken straight out of Star Trek Lore. In the Star Trek Universe, the federation could not make contact with lesser developed planets. The reason for this directive is that when they did interact with a planets species, it was almost always devastating for the species. The only way the federation would talk with the other plants is if they have discovered warp technology. In regards to people who are struggling with their identity, it is a similar situation. If a person tries to help or try to make the other person admit to themselves that they are transgender, that other person more than likely will put up barriers and that is never good. For a person breaking the egg, it needs to be organic. The person will with love and space get to where they need to go. I speak from experience, the person that I was involved with told me that she did not want to date a woman and that maybe I might like it better if I was with men. We were trying to figure out what we wanted and she in no way was trying to belittle me. Due to my struggle however, I hardened my heart and decided that I needed to stop playing games and grow up and be a man. I was 53 years of age at the time. Thankfully, I did not follow through and I managed to have a needed distraction a month later that put everything into perspective which allowed me to chip at the egg even further.
The first cracks to my egg began to appear in early 2020. Covid, was running rampant throughout the world and of course because of this, many of the normal things that I would do day to day were not available to me. It was not uncommon for me to meet friends for breakfast on Saturdays and at least once or twice during the week. It was not uncommon for my wife and children to do something(yes, I had a wife and I had two children one one who had just turned 18 the year before). Then in March of 2020 I found myself cut off from almost everyone and everything. My wife and I had been drifting apart for years, my son had moved out of the house and my daughter and her two month baby were living with us however, she spent most of her time at her boyfriends house. During this time Nintendo released a game called Animal Crossing: New Horizons(ACNH). ACNH has a long history but what made this game special is that it came out right when everyone was forced to stay home. It gave the world a way to connect and deal with the stress of being cooped up. I was no different. Five of my friends had bought the game so it made sense for me to buy the game. We would spend hours playing while having voice chats using Discord. The game is extremely simple, you basically build up your Island paradise and admire the fruits of your labor. The one thing that fascinated me most about the game was the clothing shop called the Able Sisters. The shop would allow you to try on various outfits. When I first went in there, I would try on what could be perceived as masculine clothing but as time went on I found myself trying on the feminine clothing more and more and I would wear the clothing except for when others were on my island or I went to other island. I did not want to be called out as a sissy or a girl. Eventually I started to change my appearance to be more female and I started to wear the clothing around my friends. They of course did not notice and they did not care. They knew that I mostly played female characters in other games(more to come) and they assumed it was me diving into the fantasy of the game. What they did not know is that this game had reawaken some old memories.
I had always loved to wear the clothing of the opposite gender. My earliest memory is at the age of 13 which would be the year 1982. My parents had decided that I was old enough to be left alone in the summer and that I would keep myself out of trouble. For the most part, I did behave myself. I had some encounters in the neighborhood and once I was arrested(another story for a different time). One other thing I would do is to go into my parents bedroom and try on my mothers clothing. I can’t remember what led me to do this but I do remember how it felt to wear her clothing, in particular her stockings. I would do this most days and it was around that time I started to wonder what it would feel like to be a woman. This time was a very devastating and anxious time for me. I went to a Baptist Christian School and I went to the church that ran the school. These Baptists were known as fundamentalist Baptist. The southern baptist are liberal compared to them and there were certain edicts that were constantly preached about and the consequences of not following these edicts. One of the edicts that was drilled into our head is that there were distinct differences between male and females and that there were certain expectations for both groups.
I remember well that as a man, I was expected to never let my hair touch my ears. The preacher would always harp about this issue. If your hair did touch your ears, you would be asked to leave church or if we were at school, your parents would be called to pick you up and get your hair cut. Not only did this happen at our school, it would happen at events with other schools. Yearly, we would participate in a state competition that had a wide range of activities and sporting event that we would participate in. At the start of the week, each boy would have to get their hairline checked with a ruler. If that boy failed the test, he was disqualified from all events.
Women at the church and school had similar experiences. They could not have short hair(hair above the ears), they were expected to wear dresses(hem lines had to be knee length or longer) or culottes if we were doing a sporting event or physical education, and they were expected to participate in womanly things such as cooking and serving the men. They were not allowed to hold any of the class leadership roles of School President, School Vice President, or Chaplin. The women had it much worse than the men. If I screwed up, for the most part all would be forgiven but if a woman screwed up, they could never live it down. If a woman did the ultimate sin of having intercourse outside of marriage or God forgive, get pregnant, they would simply disappear and never be mentioned again.
I had to navigate this cult. I know cult is a very strong word but I am a firm believer that a cult can spring out of any religion or belief system. When the person delivering the message becomes the focal point, the religion becomes a cult. I remember well, we hung on every word of the preacher and his staff would reenforce his ideas. I personally do not think this man was a bad person, I think he loved being in charge too much. He would preach from the pulpit, how we should act and if we could not act in a way that was expected of us, we were not welcomed. He would tell us how we should vote. I remember that one time he read a passage out of Psalms (1617 King James Version) and told the congregation(I was not old enough yet) that they needed to vote Republican. I remember thinking at the time, “Is God a Republican?”.
Probably, the worst part of my time in this environment was the gaslighting. I struggle with the term gaslighting because it is sometimes overused and often misused. I am going to describe two situations that I was in where in one situation I bought into what was being told to me and the second situation where I made a stand. The second situation was one of only two times where I stood my ground. Even though I am describing two situations there were many. Is it gaslighting? I think so but I will let you the reader come to your own conclusions.
Situation 1: State Competition and Bible Memorization:
I had already mentioned state completion above but let me provide a bit more insight. The school I went to used a teaching method called Accelerated Christian Education or A.C.E. for short. Many christian schools used this method of teaching while other Christian schools used a more traditional form of teaching. These A.C.E. schools decided that once a year during the spring semester they would all meet at a different site each year and have varied competitions for students to participate in. The events could be academic in nature like quiz bowl or there could be theatrical productions such as one act plays, there could be sporting events such as basketball and volleyball tournaments and many others. The top three finishers would get a gold silver or bronze medal very similar to the olympics and it felt good to feel the clink of all the medals that were won by the end of the night. I started going to the events in my freshman year and I participated in mostly sporting events such as basketball, track and field and single person sporting competitions. I did not want to do only sport events, I wanted to try other things such as chess. A young lady who was the same age as myself and started school at the same time, participated in an event called Bible Memorization. She won first place and everyone bragged about how great she was at the event. The school could send two people for each competition and I decided that I would love to give it a try and maybe expand my horizon. In truth, looking back, I know I was craving attention. I always loved it when the adults would acknowledge my accomplishments.
During my sophomore year, there were two other people besides myself and last years winner who wanted to compete so we had to decide who would get to go. The school decided that the first spot would automatically go to the person from the previous year, was that fair, maybe. It did not matter to me because I won out by about a fifty point margin from the second closest person so I was able to claim the second spot. That year when we went to the competition, I was a mess when it came time for the event but I managed to pull myself together and I won second place, right behind my partner. From what I understand, She scored at least 100 points more than me and third place was around 200 points behind. That year event if I remember correctly had about seven competitors. I was riding high and the adults heaped praise on me but they would also remind me that I only won second place and that I did not actually win. I had heard similar statements in the past about other accomplishments, this was commonplace. I accepted the praise.
It is now my Junior year in high school and nobody else at school wanted to compete against us so we were the two to represent the school. State competitor had been growing for the last couple of years and whereas there were seven competitor’s during my sophomore year, we had around twenty for my Junior year. Talk about pressure. I was of course up to the task, I can tell you though that as with the year before I was a nervous wreck. To this day I can still feel the anxiety of the event and how much it took out of me. I of course got through it and the day of awards came. Like the year before my partner took first place and I took second. I was very excited even though I finished second; unlike the year before, I closed the gap between us, instead of being 100 points behind, I lost by twenty points. I knew I could win. Like the year before, the adults were willing to offer conditional praise but when I mentioned that I thought I could win out the following year, they would tell me to not set my expectations too high. I could never win out against this other person.
It is now my senior year in high school and things are looking good. However, there is a new kink in the equation. Another student decided that they wanted to participate in the event. We can only bring two people so we will need to have a competition to see which two people will go. The school decided that my partner of the last two years will be given a spot automatically. I was furious, I felt that was unfair and I was told that the person earned their spot. My argument was of course, did I not earn my spot? I was then told that I could never beat this person so I had two options, compete against the other person or drop out. I decided to compete, what choice did I have. Before we could have the runoff, the new person decided that they did not want to participate so the problem solved itself. Things did not end there, I now had a chip on my shoulder. Even worse, I can remember being told several times during the school year that I need to stay in my lane. I will never beat this other person. Around January, something happened with me, I lost my focus, I no longer cared and I was getting more upset it seems everyday. I made a decision around this time. I would no longer study, I would no longer try my best. FUCK THEM, I DON’T NEDD THIS SHIT. Even though I did not think this exact thought the sentiment was the same. I was pissed.
If I remember correctly, the competition was the first week of March and when it came time for the event, I was very relaxed. There were about 30 to 40 competitors. I remember sitting there looking at the exams, I could not answer most of the questions and I spent most of the time leaning back in my chair daydreaming. Each person was allowed up to two hours however they could leave at anytime if they felt the did all they could do on the exam. Most people would stay for the full time. I left after an hour. I remember the monitor asking me if I was sure that I was done. I told them that I did all that I could do and that I felt confident. I of course felt confident that I did poorly and I was happy.
It is now the night of the awards, I had already won many awards. I think I had 5 medals, 3 of them gold. It is now time to see who won the bible memorization event. During this time I kept an eye on my teacher and principal, they were the worst when it came to telling me that I had no chance. Third place was announced and they did not bat an eye. They knew third place was not acceptable for the school. Second place was then announce and a different name was given. I remember very well, both of them whipped their heads almost 90 degrees in my direction and the look on their face showed that they were not happy. First place was then announce and my partner won. I remember leaning back with a big smile on my face. I thought at the time that I was the true winner. The next day the principal came to me and asked what happened. I told him that I did not know. Maybe the other two people got some extra points. He told me to not lie to him. He saw the results and I only had two correct answers and most questions were not answered. My rebellious side, got pushed down and I lied to him and told him that I feeling sick. I doubt he bought my lie but he let the subject dropped. My giddiness from the night before was gone. I was now ashamed at my behavior. I let others tell me that I was less than I am and I reinforced the idea. Even though I could have won, I caved to pressure. Thankfully, I was able to make a stand a few weeks later.
Situation 2: The Last Supper
The sub title is interesting but I promise, it all make sense. The week after we all came back from State competition the pastor announce in church that we were going to do a reenactment of the last supper(I told you it would make sense) on Easter Sunday and we needed 13 men(12 disciples and 1 Jesus) to participate in the play. He said if anyone was interested, please see either person A or person B.
Side note, I have been doing my best to not include names or genders. For those who know me and know my life, they can probably figure out who these people are but for others I don’t ever want them to get grief from people that know nothing about them.
After church, I went to person A(person B was not there that night) and told them that I would like to participate in the play. This person told me that they appreciate me wanting to participate but that I would not be a good fit. I asked them why I would not be a good fit. They told me that it required learning a few lines and to present the lines dramatically and that I did not have that talent. Please keep in mind, I worked with this person in the children church, doing presentations on a regular basis. I had a presentation at state competition a routine in which I won first place and was asked to present to the entire assembly during the awards show. They then told me that I should focus on the sporting events that I had left before I graduated. I said OK and left church that night feeling low. That evening while I was in bed I laid in bed, I was getting mad and worked up. I remember that night very well and I remember thinking, that I was good enough to participate in a play that only had one rehearsal. Before I fell asleep, I remember coming to a resolution, I would participate in the play. I would go to person B on the following day.
Before I continue, I want to talk about Person B. Person B was the only adult that I can remember who never gave me negative compliments and they always took time for me and they were a good friend. This person was like a parent to me and I had always considered them as such. After leaving school, I lost contact with them for a while and when I decided to transition I decided to cut off all contact. I was afraid that they would shun me. They had left the environment at the church not long after I graduated high school in 1987. I did wind up talking with them in December of 2024. Two months after I had Gender Affirming Surgery(vaginoplasty) I decided to reach out and we talked for almost two hours. They told me that they were getting ready to retire and and travel the fifty states. One of the places they will go to is about an hour from me. They told me that we should get together at that time. I told my friend that they might not want to meet with me(I did say that). They of course asked me why and I told them about what had happened over the last four years and even mentioned my surgery. Their response was, “Why would I not want to see you?”. They told me that they don’t agree with me but they loved me and that we were friends and that they are supportive of me. To prove this point, I had to go a funeral two months later in their home town and we met out in public and had a great time. They even corrected themself when we ordered. They said “and whatever this gentleman wants”. They said to the waitress without looking at me, “I mean the beautiful lady”. They then looked at me and said, I am going to have slips so please be patient with me. I don’t think I could have gotten through my teen years without this person in my life and I appreciate them. Now that I have that out of my way, and to avoid the tears building up in eyes, I will continue the story.
The next day, I told person B that I would like to participate in the play and they told me that I could play Andrew and gave me my script. Later that day, person A came to me and asked me if I was prepared to read the part. I told them that I would do a good job. They were upset with me for reaching out to this other person and told me that I should not have done an end around on them.
That following Sunday before evening services we all met and read our parts. I listened to some of the other people read their parts and most were terrible. I could tell that with some of them, they were reading the part for the first time. When it came time for me to read my part, I gave a good performance. I had spent the entire week reading the lines over and over again. I asked my friends for their feedback and even asked my mother her opinion. I was prepared. Once I finished my part, everyone clapped. What was even better, Person A told me “Good Job”. That night after church, Person A asked if we could talk. I of course said yes and they told me that they wanted to apologize. They told me that they were wrong and they were out of line with what they said and they hoped that I could forgive them. I of course forgave them, for only the second time in my life I stood up for myself but the psychological damage that had already been done could not be overcome so easily.
What does any of this have to do with my egg cracking. It has a lot to do with my egg. Due to the way I was treated in school and the indoctrination that went on, I had developed a hard shell. It took me about forty years before the first crack in my shell even showed. I remember that even up to my fifties how I held on to the beliefs that I was taught. Even though I did not say much, I had problems with anyone in the “gay community”. I had stayed almost 25 years in a marriage that should have ended after 5 but I was taught once married, you never divorced. Even though, I had been away from this bad environment that I grew up in. I never replace it with something healthy. It wasn’t until 2010 that I picked up a new friend and through them made new friends. These friends had various views and through them, I started to let go of some of my beliefs and I began to peck away at my shell.
As mentioned in the title, I only had a partial egg crack in the year of 2020. Because of me playing ACNH and because of past experiences and feelings, I decided that I was a cross-dresser. At this time, I did not consider myself transgender, I did not consider my sexuality and I was for sure was only going to share this information with a very few people. These cracks, were not visible but they were important for me to completely break my shell in December of 2022.
