The cracks that were forming in my life were getting very noticeable in 2022. I had been making some small changes in my life since July of 2021. In June of 2021, my father had died. He had been ill for several years and I had to watch this man who dominated my childhood, maybe not dominated, but he did cast a big shadow, waste away to nothing. I know I should but I am not going to discuss our turbulent relationship right now. When my dad died, something changed in me. One of the first things I did was to start getting my nails done. At first it was very small. I would have my nails trimmed and cleaned. The next couple of times, I had clear gloss put on. The time after that, I put on black gel polish and eventually worked my way up to gel and I would use dark colors. At the time, I remember that I was hoping someone would call me out for being transgender, that way I could become the person I needed to become. To all my closet sisters, don’t ever think that way. Experience gives wisdom but it still hurts. I know that if someone called me out, I would have gotten rid of the nails and butch up immediately. My growth would have been stalled and maybe permanently.
The nails were not the only change, my hair, even though I had let it grow, it was starting to get long.
I know, you may look at my hair and think that it is short. You have to understand, except for one other time in my life, my hair never went below my ears. I was making a statement or that is what I as going for. Once again, if someone would have criticized me, I would have shaved all my hair.
The thing I did prior to end end of 2021, I got my ears pierced. A friend of mine showed me her thirty year old son getting his ears pierced and I know right away, I was going to do it. The next month in December, I went to the tattoo shop and got them pierced. It was a great feeling. What was not great is what happened a couple of days later. My wife went somewhere but left something in the house. She called me and asked if I would bring it outside. She got out of her car and started staring hard at me. She then asked me if I got my ears pierced? I told her yes, we did not care for each other at this time and it did not matter. She then asked me if I was some type of faggot. I ignored her but when I got inside, I realized that if I came out, this would be my life. I would have to put up with hatred and language similar to my wife’s. The next couple of months were a bummer for me. I stayed pretty hidden and kept to myself.
2022 was an interesting year for me. The start of the year was uneventful but my perspective on my health started to change in particular my weight. I weighed around 270 pounds at the start of the year. One of the concern
